to look back on later

This post has been sitting in my draft page for a while now. Every time I make an attempt to publish it, something holds me back. Sometimes it's a word I used that somehow doesn't fit in the context anymore, other times I have changed my mind and it all seems to no longer make sense. Or maybe it's the fear of over exposing myself during this emotional time. Nevertheless, I made a promise when I started this journey, and I need to stick with it. Promised I would be true to other women and that I would talk openly and honestly about what it actually means to carry a baby. Hope I somehow accomplish this goal. Even if it means to write scary, icky and not so perfect feelings that so often come and go. 

Deep breath in... here we go. 

Pregnancy is certainly a beautiful thing and an absolute privilege. I know I am so incredibly lucky to have this experience - especially when many are trying so hard to and can't. But man oh man, the physical discomforts a mother deals with during this time are pretty unbelievable to me, and I am astounded that women choose to do this multiple times, year after year. It somehow encourages me that the reward must be so sweet in order for all to be worth in the end!

It’s almost laughable at this point – and trust me, the husband laughs at me all the time. I sleep with a mountain of pillows behind me, around me and underneath me. Because everything is sore and my organs are definitely not in the place they should be. I know it’s only going to get worst and sleep will eventually become elusive. Maybe the universe is training my lazy, sleep loving self to get used to not having it for a while… Never mind the sweet little peanut who is trying to get as comfortable as possible while poking every inch of my insides. The kicks are no longer just cute, singular experiences that make me smile – they are long stretches of baby rolling and kneading and sharp intakes of breath when I feel a little foot in my rib. Pretty sure all those ultrasounds were wrong, and I’m actually giving birth to an octopus for all the places I feel arms and legs at once. How is that even possible? And does it make me a bad mother for wishing it to stop already? Pregnancy can be tough. Sometimes, I wake up with the illusion that I'm no longer carrying all that extra weight in my belly and it feels so good. Until I try to stand up and all my daily struggles come back - things like putting socks on, picking up that pen that fell on the floor, and even sitting through an 8 hour work day become your worst enemies and sometimes you just say "to hell with all of this. I'm done with being pregnant. Someone please get this baby outta me!" 

I have a feeling that the look on women’s faces after giving birth is both the joy of finally holding your baby in your arms and the relief of not having to carry them in our bellies any longer. I'm sure that the simplest things will feel like the world’s greatest luxuries once this little one is on the outside and I can finally have my body back. I look forward to both, and will never under-appreciate my body ever again. It is powerful, it is mine, and I will be thankful every day that is healthy enough to give me life.     

To be honest, I'm at that point where there is a ton of complaining and it might seem like I'm not appreciating growing this tiny little person that I will surely love so very much. Trust me, I'm not! I have loved every minute of this journey and wish every single women the opportunity to go through it at least once. However, I do feel like it should be okay to complain, to wish for your body back and to cut yourself some slack - and your partner as well! Love was what created this baby in the first place and love should be where it all collides - be it in the beginning, middle or the end. The reason Chris and I waited five years to have a baby of our own, was because we knew how important this would be for us. I wanted this baby oh so bad, but wanted it to be right as well. Wanted to build a foundation where nothing else matters but love, and that no matter what happened we would support each other until the end. 

Pregnancy takes a toll on you and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to raise a child. I’m sure it comes with compromises and challenges to both you and your spouse. There is no better feeling than having that person next to you, pushing you forward when you think you can’t go any further, laughing at how ridiculous you look while trying to get out of bed in the morning, and teasing you because somehow the whole tub of ice cream disappeared over night and you won’t admit it was all your doing. And when you see the look in his eyes when the baby – your baby – moves, it’s unlike any other feeling in the world.

I know, I went through a lot of frustration before while all the women around me were having cute little babies and growing their families, but trust me when I say it is all worth the wait. Pause for the right time for you and your partner. Because growing a child is no joke and bringing it into this world with someone you love beyond anything else, is something worth fighting for. Even when you feel like giving up, or when every single part of your body is screaming for help. Love concurs all. And, in this romantic gals opinion, it also cures all!    

Hope you come back soon,

M   

more than just a book review.

July, 5th, 2015.

I have been reading this book. I don't want to admit that it is a pregnancy book, because those kind have bad reviews and scare the living hell out of you. So let's just call it Beth Ann Fennelly's book, Great with Child. I do not dare classify it as a the P word, for one reason and one reason only; it talks more about feelings and relationships than it actually does about the physical act of creating a child. Beth Ann is a poet in practice and in heart and every single word she writes is like a symphony of emotions - the good ones and the not so good ones as well.

Yesterday, while laying in bed recuperating from the long holiday weekend, I came upon this quote: " I think our inability to recall and relieve the memory of pain has to do with the fact that during hard labor, you go to a place beyond language." Yes, we all fear child labor, and dare I say it I am one of the scared ones. However, If I have learnt one thing about this whole process is that there are no words to fully describe it.

I've always hated the fact that other women wouldn't share what it was like to carry a child. Now that I have been the one that has been dealt that hand, I understand that I misplace the word couldn't with a wouldn't. I am now in that place of discomfort. I can't seem to tell my story; and here I thought that this was my best trait - storytelling! Give me numbers, and I can't add much; however give me a piece of paper, a pen and words, I will tell you all.

Sure, I can meticulously describe the physical symptoms like nausea, low blood pressure, fatigue. But  this is not exactly what it was before; it didn't feel the same before I was pregnant. Is it because just like child birth there is something greater that just the physical pain? Or maybe there is already an emotional attachment greater than I can possible be aware of? Perhaps it is all the above colliding into something so big that what your body is enduring no longer seems like a burden to carry. On the contrary, you start carrying it with pride!

At this point, all I can say. Today. IS that I have never trusted my body as much as I do now. Therefore, I am letting go. Allowing it to do what it does best. I have a tiny little feeling that Beth Ann was right and when all is said and done, I will be reborn and "recollect the pain as bellonging to the old life, the way the butterfly unfolding her wet wings recollects the cocoon."



Like I have said before, I no longer hold my words as a statement of truth. My emotions maybe. So forgive me if all this seems out of the ordinary. These are true feelings that one night I scribbled down  in my journal. I would love to hear from you - that is if you have experienced such things. If not, maybe just a hello?!

Hope you come back soon,

M  

oh, baby!

This might be the most surreal blog post I have ever written. Even though I have been practicing it in my mind for the past two months, I'm at a complete loss for words. It's finally time to share the BIG news: we're expecting!! 

After 4 and a half years of marriage and a whooping 8 years together, we are finally joining other couples in parenthood. I have to admit it wasn't planned. It wasn't supposed to happen this quick! But we are all adults here and know how babies come into the picture.... Ha Ha! Nevertheless, we couldn't be happier. I have been through a roller coaster of emotions these past two months. After crazy hormones, intense morning sickness and a midsection that appears more like beer bloat than baby, I have realized I really don't know a lot about anything anymore. Except for one little detail... I am having a baby with the love of my life! I can't help but feel so incredibly lucky. Not only do I get to spend the rest of my life with him, but now I get to carry his child. There is no one on this earth that I would rather go through this with, and he has been a trooper so far.  

These days, I have plenty of moments of doubt, followed by excitement and a ton of crying. Like A TON. However, I do know that I'm surrounded by the best support system a gal could ever ask for. The hope and joy our family and friends have given us makes me feel so blessed. I am sure there will be plenty of emotional freak outs the next 8 months, but I also know that I will always have someone there to hold my hand and help me navigate this new path.    

I can't wait to share our journey through pregnancy and parenthood in the big city, alongside challenges like small apartment living, full time careers and our inexperienced rolls as parents! For now we are making sure this little baby gets all the nutrition it needs despite my aversion for all things food related that isn't deep fried and that Lady the dog gets used to not being the only babe around. Wish us luck!

Hope you come back soon,

M