to look back on later

Monday, November 9, 2015

This post has been sitting in my draft page for a while now. Every time I make an attempt to publish it, something holds me back. Sometimes it's a word I used that somehow doesn't fit in the context anymore, other times I have changed my mind and it all seems to no longer make sense. Or maybe it's the fear of over exposing myself during this emotional time. Nevertheless, I made a promise when I started this journey, and I need to stick with it. Promised I would be true to other women and that I would talk openly and honestly about what it actually means to carry a baby. Hope I somehow accomplish this goal. Even if it means to write scary, icky and not so perfect feelings that so often come and go. 

Deep breath in... here we go. 

Pregnancy is certainly a beautiful thing and an absolute privilege. I know I am so incredibly lucky to have this experience - especially when many are trying so hard to and can't. But man oh man, the physical discomforts a mother deals with during this time are pretty unbelievable to me, and I am astounded that women choose to do this multiple times, year after year. It somehow encourages me that the reward must be so sweet in order for all to be worth in the end!

It’s almost laughable at this point – and trust me, the husband laughs at me all the time. I sleep with a mountain of pillows behind me, around me and underneath me. Because everything is sore and my organs are definitely not in the place they should be. I know it’s only going to get worst and sleep will eventually become elusive. Maybe the universe is training my lazy, sleep loving self to get used to not having it for a while… Never mind the sweet little peanut who is trying to get as comfortable as possible while poking every inch of my insides. The kicks are no longer just cute, singular experiences that make me smile – they are long stretches of baby rolling and kneading and sharp intakes of breath when I feel a little foot in my rib. Pretty sure all those ultrasounds were wrong, and I’m actually giving birth to an octopus for all the places I feel arms and legs at once. How is that even possible? And does it make me a bad mother for wishing it to stop already? Pregnancy can be tough. Sometimes, I wake up with the illusion that I'm no longer carrying all that extra weight in my belly and it feels so good. Until I try to stand up and all my daily struggles come back - things like putting socks on, picking up that pen that fell on the floor, and even sitting through an 8 hour work day become your worst enemies and sometimes you just say "to hell with all of this. I'm done with being pregnant. Someone please get this baby outta me!" 

I have a feeling that the look on women’s faces after giving birth is both the joy of finally holding your baby in your arms and the relief of not having to carry them in our bellies any longer. I'm sure that the simplest things will feel like the world’s greatest luxuries once this little one is on the outside and I can finally have my body back. I look forward to both, and will never under-appreciate my body ever again. It is powerful, it is mine, and I will be thankful every day that is healthy enough to give me life.     

To be honest, I'm at that point where there is a ton of complaining and it might seem like I'm not appreciating growing this tiny little person that I will surely love so very much. Trust me, I'm not! I have loved every minute of this journey and wish every single women the opportunity to go through it at least once. However, I do feel like it should be okay to complain, to wish for your body back and to cut yourself some slack - and your partner as well! Love was what created this baby in the first place and love should be where it all collides - be it in the beginning, middle or the end. The reason Chris and I waited five years to have a baby of our own, was because we knew how important this would be for us. I wanted this baby oh so bad, but wanted it to be right as well. Wanted to build a foundation where nothing else matters but love, and that no matter what happened we would support each other until the end. 

Pregnancy takes a toll on you and I can’t even imagine what it’s like to raise a child. I’m sure it comes with compromises and challenges to both you and your spouse. There is no better feeling than having that person next to you, pushing you forward when you think you can’t go any further, laughing at how ridiculous you look while trying to get out of bed in the morning, and teasing you because somehow the whole tub of ice cream disappeared over night and you won’t admit it was all your doing. And when you see the look in his eyes when the baby – your baby – moves, it’s unlike any other feeling in the world.

I know, I went through a lot of frustration before while all the women around me were having cute little babies and growing their families, but trust me when I say it is all worth the wait. Pause for the right time for you and your partner. Because growing a child is no joke and bringing it into this world with someone you love beyond anything else, is something worth fighting for. Even when you feel like giving up, or when every single part of your body is screaming for help. Love concurs all. And, in this romantic gals opinion, it also cures all!    

Hope you come back soon,


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